I really want to be a writer.. could you read my unfinished story? tell me what you think?
Dear Sherry As l woke up, l shielded my eyes from the sun that
poured through the oak window. My body laid in crisp white sheets as
flashbacks rushed through my mind. '''…Do you want to?'''
'''…l do not know, l do not think we should.'''
/>'''…We will be fine, do not worry.''' l pushed myself up
against the bed is backboard and rubbed my temples, l felt nauseas and
sore. l climbed out of my warm bed, rapped a bed sheet around my body, and twisted it into a knot above my chest. Items seemed in disorder as l walked through my loft bedroom. While glancing over the loft, l spotted a folded piece of paper leaning against the vase on the dinner table. l unfolded the paper and began to read the note. '' Dear Sherry, Thanks for a great night. We should do it again sometime. Ps. Welcome to the world of AIDS. -Your Infector '' Thump thump, thump thump. l felt numb, there was something in my throat that l just could not 3 My eyes never wandered to the floor, my heart ached to much to care. Once again, flashbacks raced through my mind from the begin of the night to the end. '''…Would you like to dance?''' The words, ''Your Infector.'' echoed in my mind. ''Tommy? Tom? Tomas? Timmy? Troy?'' l repeated to myself trying to remember his name, for the alcohol fogged my memory. '''…Hi, I am Tristan.''' '''…Hey, Nice to meet you. I am Sherry.''' l paced around the loft as tears moistened my cheeks. The bed sheet fell to the floor as l walked to the bathroom and started the shower. Immediately, steam filled the tiny plain room and fogged the mirror. l closed my eyes as the water poured from the showerhead onto my face. ''l can wash it away, everything will be alright.'' l kept repeating these words, trying to fool myself into believing them, even though l knew it was not true. When l was in the shower l felt pure. Turning the knob all the way to the left was the hardest thing to do, my moment of purity was over and l was insecure about everything. 4 l stepped out of the shower; right foot, then left and wiped the mirror clear of fog. While checking my reflection, in the smudged mirror, an unclear figure crept behind me and passed through the door. Puddles of water formed under my feet as l followed the figure through the doorframe. ''Who is there?'' Sherry received no answer. Thump thump, thump thump. room, and held my breathe. The floor crept under my feet as l approached the dark figure. My hand shook as l reached for the overcoat that covered the figure. One, two, three. Swoosh, the overcoat fell to the ground. Beep, beep, beep. ''Good morning New York City , your listening to W.T.B.A and it is 7:00 Am. It is starting to feel a lot like winter with a temperature of 34° F, time to take those winter jackets out of the clos-'' l slapped my hand on the off button, as the alarm clock fell to the floor. My body jerked up and l scratched my neck gasping for air. Confused and unsure of myself l got out of bed and inspected my loft. l glanced at the vase and to my surprise, there was no note waiting to be read. My eyes wandered around in concern and fear that someone was lingering within my loft. 5 l sat in my overstuffed chair and light filled the room, as l turned the the report, but when the young news caster said those words, ''The Infector my heart sank. Boom, boom, boom. l walked to my door, opened it, and picked up the fresh newspaper. The front page read, ''Young women meet their infector.'' l ran my hand under my eyes to clear the tears. This can not be happening, l thought. ''Was it a sign? Could l have helped them?'' l kept asking myself questions that could not be answered. l turned off the television, put the newspaper on the dinner table, and ran into my bedroom to change. l pulled a jogging suit out of my bureau and grabbed a pair of Nikes out of the closet. l rushed to put everything on and l ran out the front door. While on the fourth floor, l clicked the auto start for my car and continued jogging down the stairs. l had to clear my mind, driving into the quiet country would help sooth my shaken nerves. l drove to a familiar place, where my mother and l took daily walks together. We called it The tranquil pond. The little crystal clear pond held an abundant amount of lily pads. Catninetails were sporadically placed around the pond and in the cluster of trees you could hear the baby birds chirping high in their nest as their mothers fed them. This was the one place l could clear my mind and forget about everything. l 6 laid on the green ground and watched as the puffy white clouds passed by. Some were short and fluffy and other were long and skinny but every single one look beautiful against the deep blue sky. The sky turned grey. Within minutes l was once again in a pure moment, with water gently sprinkling my hands and face. It felt bizarre; laying there like a lifeless weed, with it is roots soaking up the water, waiting to bloom into a beautiful flower once again. Memories of my childhood rush through my mind as l walked to my car; with my head still looking to the clouds. ''What would she tell me to do right now?'' l pondered ''Mom? Are you up there, Mom? Well if you can hear me l really need you to me help right now! l think l can help these poor women, but the truth is I am scared. l do not know what to do, l need you Mom, l need you more than ever right now.'' l lowered my head and continued walking to my car. The windshield wipers moved left to right in attempt to clear the now torrential rain. On the car ride home all l could think about was my mother. She had been my world from the age of seven, when my father died, till the day of her death. My mother had died from a doctor is misdiagnose. The Doctors kept telling her she suffered from the Flu, but my mother knew she was very sick, and it was not the Flu that caused her to become fatigued and receive rashes. 7 She had AIDS. My mother was a nurse. When she was pricked by a dirty needle she knew it would only be time before she started getting sick. My mother died two years ago, when l was twenty one . Thinking about my mother made me tune out all my surroundings. The hour ride home, seemed like only fifteen minutes. There were no parking spots on the street. That meant l had to park in the garage, on the side of the apartment building. The garage was dark and humid. A sinister feeling gathered in the steamy air. Footsteps echoed as l walked to the Exit door. My heart began to beat rapidly when l discovered the echoed footsteps were not mine. l glanced over my shoulder and found no one pacing behind me. l turned the corner in front of a Honda and looked into the round mirror that was mounted onto the wall above me. In the mirror l spotted a man clad in black, crawl behind the Honda. ''Who is there?'' l shouted demanding an answer, but received none. ''l said who is there? Come out l know your behind there.'' My heart was in my throat once again. l weaved through the cars, hoping the man would not follow my demands. Footsteps echoed in the garage again. In fear, l dropped to the ground and pulled myself under a large SUV. ''Who is hiding now?'' a man shouted, breaking the silence. l kept my head low to the ground, watching the floor to see when his 8 feet appeared in front of me. l hid, silent, for what seemed forever. ''l know your in here. Come out, come out, wherever you are.'' There was a brief pause. ''Oh Sherry Dear, why do not you be a good little girl and come and play with YOUR INFECTOR!'' A pair of Nikes appeared in front of the SUV and it felt as if my heart had stopped beating. l held my breathe; trying not to make a sound. l watched as the Nikes walked by my hiding spot. Hot air was released in relief. My body laid still, in fear he would come back. His sneakers were nowhere in sight, but l heard the heavy footsteps, pounding on the concrete. My ankle ached, l looked over my shoulder straight into a set of evil eyes. My skin scraped again the cement, as l was being pulled. ''Please, stop!'' l pleaded. ''Let me go!'' My foot slammed into the side of his face. The evil man let go of my ankle and held his face as he knelt on the ground. l crawled out from under the car, and began to run away, in fear for my life. ''Who are you?'' l sobbed. ''Who am I? You mean you have not heard of me? l did not answer the mystery man. ''Sherry, It is me Tristan.'' l hid behind a pile of boxes next to the elevator. l closed my eyes, 9 happened. He was close, his scent lingered after he walked by the boxes. He did not make a sound, which made it harder to tell where he stood. ''Boo.'' Tristan whispered as he crashed the boxes. He pulled me away from the wall and did what he pleased. ''Stop please.'' l laid there on the cement numb. Not crying and barely breathing. Rolling to my side l attempted to pick myself up. My body was weak, and l fell to the ground. My second try was a success. l walked slowly to the exit door being cautious with every move. As l exited the garage, my eyes grew wet. l collapsed in the middle of sidewalk sobbing uncontrollably. ''Sherry Williams. Sherry, can you hear me?'' l heard a man mumbling but l could not make out the words. Slowly, l opened my eyes and looked around. l laid on a chilled slab in a plain white room. No windows, and no doors. A puff of smoke exited my lips as l spoke softly. ''Hello.'' l whispered . ''Where am I? What happened?'' l sat up, and twisted my body to hang my legs over the side of the stainless steal slab. A chill shot up my spine as my bare feet touched the tiled floor. l wrapped my arms in front of me, and my lips quivered. BTW.. im only 15 so l know its prob nothing good. its just this is the first real story ive been working at.. some day if l could id wanna get it published people say l dont write my age.. idk what that means.. if its good or bad? what do you think?
You do realise that the probability of contracting HIV from one
encounter is something like 1/1000?
omg u rote dis??? ur da best riter ever!! i havent read books
as gud as dat!! but i didnt get where she was wen she woke up!!
There is always McDonald is ;-)
Well, hmmmm....I am an aspiring author myself. I think you've
done a decent job for being 15. The first part really got me- when she
woke up & found the note, & my heart just fell upon the floor in sadness &
disgust- to find out it was all just a dream.
You're good at painting a clear picture, but ur spelling could use a
little work. Also, when you're speaking in the ''first person'' stay in the ''first person''- there were a couple times I read you reffering to ''Sherry'' ie[3rd person] & then start telling the story in the 1st person format again. Other than that, I think you're doing a pretty decent job. Welcome to the world of writing! I wish you much luck- & hope to see you at the top of the New York Times Best-Selling author is list one day!
I just read that over and I'd say it seems pretty good so far.
Keep working on it and DONT GIVE UP :) Good job so far.
It is very good . you REALLY had me going! I wanna read more!
Do a spell check though, there were times when you spelled 'too' with only
one 'o' .
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