I really need someone new to read this .. please.? (reposted)?
snuggle muffin
,
Saturday, 7th of August 2010 05:32:45 AM
My story is called Dear Sherry (might change the title so if you have any snuggle muffin ideas feel free to shout them out) im no where close to being done l just Registered User want some feedback to make it better..this has been posted before so do Joined: Friday, 7th of May 2010, 11:33:09 not be surprised if u have read it before.. and im only 16 so l have a lot Posts: 356 of grammar mistakes.. point them out if u see them please.. any input is Viewed 5307 times helpful just be honest please.. do not hold back
Dear
Sherry
As l woke up, l shielded my eyes from the sun that poured
through the oak window. My body laid in crisp white sheets as flashbacks
rushed through my mind.
'''…Do you want to?'''
'''…l do
not know, l do not have a condom.'''
'''…We will be fine, do not
you trust me?'''
l pushed myself up against the bed is headboard and
rubbed my temples, l felt nauseas and sore. l climbed out of my warm bed,
wrapped a bed sheet around my body, and twisted it into a knot above my
breast.
Items seemed in disorder as l walked through my loft
bedroom. While glancing over the loft, l spotted a folded piece of paper
leaning against the vase on the dinner table. l unfolded the paper and
began to read the note.
''Dear Sherry,
Thanks for a great
night. We should do it again sometime.
Ps. Welcome to the world of
HIV. -Your Infector ''
Thump thump, thump thump.
l felt numb,
there was something in my throat that l just couldn't
swallow. The
note dropped to the table, knocking something to the floor. My eyes never
wandered to the floor, my heart ached to much to care. Once again,
flashbacks raced through my mind from the begin of the night to the end.
'''No, l don’t want to. Maybe you should go home now.''' />'''You know you want it, stop playing hard to get.''
The words,
''Your Infector.'' echoed in my mind. ''Tommy? Tom? Thomas? Timmy? Troy?''
l repeated to myself trying to remember his name, for the alcohol fogged my
memory.
'''…Hi, I am Tristan.'''
'''…Hey, Nice to meet you.
I am Sherry.'''
l paced around the loft as tears moistened my cheeks.
The bed sheet fell to the floor as l walked to the bathroom and started the
shower. Immediately, steam filled the tiny plain room and fogged the
mirror.
l closed my eyes as the water poured from the showerhead
onto my face. ''l can wash it away, everything will be alright.'' l kept
repeating these words, trying to fool myself into believing them, even
though l knew it was not true.
When l was in the shower l felt pure.
Turning the knob all the way to the right was the hardest thing to do, my
moment of purity was over and l was insecure about everything.
l
stepped out of the shower; right foot, then left, wrapped myself in a
towel and wiped the mirror clear of fog. While checking my reflection, in
the smudged mirror, an unclear figure crept behind me and passed through
the door. Puddles of water formed under my feet as l followed the figure
through the doorframe.
''Who is there?'' l received no answer. />Thump thump, thump thump.
My heart raced. l peeked around the wall
that separated the bathroom from the living room, and held my breathe. The
floor creaked under my feet as l approached the dark figure that stood
before me. My hand shook as l reached for the overcoat that covered a body
with a man’s silhouette .
One, two, three. Swoosh, the overcoat
fell to the ground.
Beep, beep, beep. ''Good morning New York City ,
you’re listening to W.T.B.A and it is 7:00 AM. It is starting to feel a
lot like winter with a temperature of 34° F, time to take those winter
jackets out of the clos-''
The alarm clock fell to the floor, as l
slapped my hand on the off button. My body jerked up and l scratched my
neck gasping for air. Confused and unsure of myself l got out of bed and
inspected my loft.
“It was all a dream Sherry. It was just a
dream” l said to myself.
l inhaled deeply with relief, sat down in
front of my laptop and began to write my desperate email to Dr. Mills. />“Dear Dr. Mills,
It happened again. He is still haunting me in
my dreams. It feels like I‘ve relived that night, every night, for the
past two years. Dreams are funny things. l know, you’ve told me before,
“Sherry, you never know why they happen, what you are supposed to learn
from them, or what they even mean.” So tell me, do YOU know what am l
supposed to learn? The night has already happened, l can‘t stop it now,
so what do these dreams want from me?”
l couldn’t bare to sit
there, waiting impatiently to hear the words “you‘ve got mail.”/>
YACHiiE :)
,
Sunday, 8th of August 2010 10:00:54 PM
I think it is interesting! However, I think you need to put in YACHiiE :) some more background in the beginning, like, telling the reader some more Registered User details about sherry, & what she is like. Maybe some events leading up to Joined: Saturday, 8th of May 2010, 02:23:46 this incident. If you haven't already, make a clear theme of ur & make Posts: 1733 sure that what you write is significant to that theme- it will help keep Viewed 10339 times you (and ur readers) om track. Of course, you can add extra things to ur
story, but it is best if it centers around ur theme. But you're writing is
really good otherwise! It will be a good story! :) Good luck with it!
Sugarplum
,
Monday, 9th of August 2010 11:31:06 AM
It was a really good beginning to a story. I think you should Sugarplum continue to write it as a flashback to what happened that night; but not Registered User all as a dream. then towards the ending you could continue to her having Joined: Saturday, 8th of May 2010, 08:52:41 these dreams & stuff. I think this makes a good prologue to a really Posts: 1267 interesting story. I liked how you switched over to the radio/alarm going Viewed 11365 times off because it seemed so real of him/her to say that. You did a really
fantastic job on the last sentence, i really thought it was a good place
to end. But please continue with it! Your writing is really good & with
more practice you could even be great! It is really hard have such a
serious story & leave it off with humor; great job with that!
- One mistake you made was the quotes, don't put dots before someone
talks. Do it like this, ''Hey, nice to meet you. I am Sherry.'' Also don't
capitalize full words in the middle of a sentence ( YOU) I know what you
were using it for, but ur not supposed to do that.
- And it is kind of a cliche if it turns out into a dream but if you
continue with the story as a bug flashback then it won't really matter how
you started the prologue because that;s just & introduction/hook ( & a
pretty good one) to the story
- I would also think of a new title because this one isn't really an
attention grabber & it is kind of boring & predicable. I am sure something
better will come to you when you finish the story.
- Also, being 16, it is okay to make grammer mistakes because ur just
learning. I am sure authors still make mistakes too! Keep up the good
work, & revise, revise, revise!
MOo
,
Tuesday, 10th of August 2010 02:59:13 PM
It is actually not too bad. But it is confusing a bit. Starting MOo out with flask backs & then its really a dream makes it a bit confusing for Registered User the reader. I had to re-read it twice to make sure. You style is quite Joined: Thursday, 29th of April 2010, 11:17:28 good..but maybe start out with her e-mailing the doctor & then go into Posts: 162 the flashbacks. That sets the story in the real world, not the dream Viewed 8599 times world, as ur beginning does.
As for the title? Think of it as a working title & when ur done, if
nothing better comes along, use it. It is ur story to tell anyway.
Good writing & keep at it!
Apple Sauce
,
Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 10:27:15 AM
well not bad for a 16 year old Apple Sauce Registered User Joined: Tuesday, 25th of May 2010, 02:11:23 Posts: 462 Viewed 17123 times
lollipop
,
Thursday, 12th of August 2010 06:26:44 PM
Well.not bad. A little confusing.you need to clear up the lollipop 'dream' thing. Just keep writing. And you have too many ellipses. Registered User Joined: Sunday, 13th of June 2010, 17:58:17 and PS, just because your 16 doesn't mean its okay to have grammar Posts: 1499 mistakes. what, are you going to be a junior? you shouldnt be making Viewed 4680 times mistakes by then.
By
,
Friday, 13th of August 2010 11:43:47 AM
Three things bothered me greatly. By Registered User First, your story begins with someone waking up. Joined: Monday, 24th of May 2010, 20:24:49 Second, it has a flashback, which I personally loathe. Posts: 270 Third, the reader finds out later it was all a dream. Readers in general, Viewed 8005 times hate that. It was much more interesting until you let it be known it was
just a dream.
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